I have felt quite tired the last few days. I am feeling like I am in a funk and can’t seem to find my way out. I think it has to do with the fact that I have seen my extended family a lot lately. I always feel as if I cease to exist around my family. I am so different from them. They don’t appreciate this difference. Normally if I choose to be bold and speak up it is met with them making fun of me and or taking offense to what I just stated I believed or think. Due to this fact I usually just remain silent and try to appear like a good daughter. This starts to erode me on the inside. If I have seen my family to often without being able to build up my insides then it all just keeps eroding until I feel empty and hollow and I just feel like giving up and just being like them. I have to keep reminding myself that I have tried and tried to be like them and it was never a good outcome on those rare occasions. It did not make them like me nor did it make me feel any better. I am not saying that my family does not love me, they love me. It’s just that they don’t like me. I love them a lot, but I also don’t think I like them. We are just too different.

I know I have written about my family probably too much lately but that is who I have been around. Lately I feel claustrophobic and as if I may suffocate. Between trying to make them all happy and trying to carve out my authentic path there is just no way to win. Normally what I feel happens is that I do something to appease them which makes me feel bullied and manipulated and then it backfires because I did not do exactly what they wanted. I tried to come up with a compromise between what we both want. They just see it as me being an asshole because I did not do it their way. My opinion is that if I was always going to do it their way then what is the purpose of me existing. I wish I could find a way to stand up for myself and express myself without hurt the feelings of my family.


Digg!